It is the day after the Fourth of July and if you’re like me, you didn’t let many, many children packed into dirty detention centers ruin a fun time to celebrate our eradication of the indigenous people of this land. 😎
Speaking of packing! I made too many fucking hotdogs because my wife, Borat voice,’s boyfriend made a SCENE. I won’t get into it, but let’s just say I have 350 more hot dogs than I ended up needing. My wife, Borat voice, says because I was responsible, I have to pay for her boyfriend’s bail. So, without further ado, here is a listicle to help me make a few more bucks to fund his bail.
10. Steve Rogers Captain America #1
Every Fourth of July, me and my wife, Borat voice, throw a party because its the only time she has to take off all year. She doesn’t like being home. I work from home. So I’m cooking up hot dogs, right? And my wife comes and tells me her boyfriend is coming so I have to make some more. I do not mind. He is cool. He has a Switch.
9. Frank Miller’s Holy TerrorThis guy comes in from the back wearing these jean shorts and a polo that he painted stars on them like some kind of Captain America icon, AND he brought his Switch that he lets me play sometimes. I can smell the hot dogs getting burnt, but I can’t stop staring at him. He’s so fucking cool. Or so I thought.
8. Action Comics #148
I’m so excited to see him because he looks super horny and that means I’ll get to play on Switch while him and my wife, Borat voice, step inside sooner than I thought. But I got all these damn hot dogs I have to cook and rotate. I was expecting a LOT of people because I know a LOT of people. They just don’t like me, exactly.
7. That Northrop Grumman Marvel Comic
My neighbors can see me, but they aren’t coming over. I call them nerds. RELAX, I am also a nerd so it’s not offensive and start throwing them some of the hot dogs I haven’t cooked yet over the fence. I’m just trying to be friendly after the whole thing where I got our houses mixed up and took a shit in THEIR living room by ACCIDENT!
6. The Divided States of Hysteria #4
They start running inside, whatever. My wife, Borat voice,’s boyfriend comes up and tussles my hair and asks what I’m doing and I tell him nothing because I am shy. And also I don’t know what I am doing. All the hot dogs on the grill look charred and I don’t want to cook hot dogs anymore.
5. NFL SuperPro #6
They never last too long and he NEVER lets me play Switch when we have together time, so I want to cook these hot dogs fast. So when he goes inside, I dump all the hot dogs on the grill. I’m finally putting my nerd cred to good use. I also have to pee, but don’t worry I can hold it for a very long time.
4. Superman: Year One #1
Some of the hot dogs roll off into the pee puddle. I am not saying whose puddle. I need to get out NOW. I cannot use the bathroom inside because my wife, Borat voice,’s boyfriend is using it and my neighbors said I am not allowed in their house after the poop confusion I mentioned earlier. But I have to watch all these hot dogs on the grill.
3. Man-Eaters #9
Fuck the hot dogs. I run into the pool, but it is not my pool. I can’t swim. Maybe if I had a pair of swim trunks. Maybe he’ll buy them for me for my birthday, August 2 FYI. Speaking of, he comes out and is asking what I am doing in my neighbors’ pool. Not the neighbors I accidentally pooped in their living room. The neighbors I purposefully pooped in their living room.
2. Green Lantern #76
He one arm hops over the fence and starts screaming to grab his arm; he doesn’t want to ruin his clothes and I don’t want to touch him with hot dog hands. Everyone comes outside: both neighbors and my wife, Borat voice. Someone is crying. A stray dog, not the food, jumps into the water and grabs me. Where’s the Switch? An explosion occurs.
1. Ultimates #12
I told the police that my wife, Borat voice,’s boyfriend was responsible for putting several hundred hot dogs at once in the grill because he wanted to step inside with my wife, Borat voice, sooner than later. He did not narc on me; he’s so fucking cool. My wife is very disappointed in me, though. No one knows I hid his Switch. Very nice (Borat voice.)