The line at the taco truck is taking longer than expected and my parking meter is running low. So, my EIC said if I make a list article, he’ll throw me a whole quarter. Which is 15 cents more than what they pay at CBR. Without further ado, here is a list you wont read past the pictures:
10. Cyclops – Can’t use the bathroom when there’s a stick up your butt.
So, I’m in line waiting for a tilapia taco, because I love tilapia. And this guy in front of me, of course he wears square loafers, just starts leaking.
9. Apocalypse – Well, have YOU seen him take off his armor?
No, I don’t mean poop or pee, I mean his whole body starts leaking water. And I start freaking out because I think it’s one of those water balloon men made of water.
8. Gambit – The grease helps the cards glide.
Reaching into my pockets, I have 4, I take out all my gum, I have 7. This is where I give thanks for going through my coworker’s purse when she went to poop 20 minutes ago.
7. Sugar Man – The Age of Apocalypse was not the Age of Hygiene Awareness.
I quickly pop them into my mouth and start chewing. I’m very good at chewing because I am very good at eating. I hate Juicy Fruit. Why did you buy the worst gum, Linda?
6. Husk – She just tears off her skin after every use as easily as she does some toilet paper
Luckily, I start to taste iron; I realize my gum are starting to bleed. My mouth is full of blood and loose popcorn kernel that was stuck between my teeth.
5. Gateway – He just portals his excrement away.
The guy, he is still leaking and no one is doing anything! I start to tear off bits of the gum. I do not know how much I will need. I do not know how much he will need.
4. Silver Samurai – The amount of time taking all that off would not be worth it to not just poop your pants.
I start to run towards the guy. I am determined, and I fall. The absence of gum in my pockets, I have 4, has thrown off my balance. These running sneakers I stole from my coworker’s purse do not fit me. Goddamnit, Linda!
3. Mr. Sinister – What is more sinister than engaging with the world with dirty hands?
I get up. I run again. I am determined. I cut in line. All eyes are on me because I fell. And also, because of all the giant bit of gum and blood I am tearing out of my mouth.
2. Jean Grey – Telekinesis, nuff said.
I run to the guy. I step on his square loafers; this is on purpose. I get blood on his suit when I turn him around; this is not on purpose. I start to find where he is leaking so I may plaster the holes with my gum.
1. Wolverine – Is anyone surprised? Look at him.
And that is when I find out, he is in fact not one of those water balloon men made of water, but under his suit, he was bringing his own bags of live tilapia to put on the tacos. Boy, did I sure have blood on my hands when I found out!